I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
