I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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