How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I see more hoeing in ur future
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