I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
