I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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