Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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