I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
