I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
