Whod you bang
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
