I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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