Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
