you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
