I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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