My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
