i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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