I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
