why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Randomize
