Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
