I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
How naked do you want me to be?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
