John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
