During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Just pee around me
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
