i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
