I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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