He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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