your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
