I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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