If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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