I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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