i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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