I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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