I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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