I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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