Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
