I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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