Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
