ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
