cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
