i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
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