I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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