I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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