She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
