I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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