she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
