He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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