Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
