Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
