He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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