My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
