my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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