You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
