We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
