Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
